Fujiko Suda / Reflection

Our existance

"A Chicken was an egg's way of making another egg."

Samuel Butler

Omega 13 in Kohoku

　Somehow, I've thought of Omega 13 when I saw this.

Short memory, but it does come back

I've been walking quite a bit for the past 6 months or so. I was wondering why I didn't walk much before that. Was it because getting sweaty in hot weather was not enjoyable? But then why didn't I walk during not-so-hot season, which is 9 months out of a year?

Then it dawned on me. For a long time, my knees were doing badly. My knees went bad 10 years ago, after I gave birth to the second son, when I was working my butt off 2 months after I gave birth. When the second son was 4 months old, my knees were both doing so badly, water collected around both knees, very painful even just to walk. I couldn't face another operation anywhere else on my body after having experienced appendix removal, back surgery, mouth surgery, 2 ceasarian births, so I had acupuncuture treatment to alleviated the problem. For a year after that, if I walked for more than 5 minutes, my knees would begin to ache. If I ignored the pain and kept on walking, it ended up huring badly for days, that I couldn't even stand for a few minutes. Even after that year, I still couldn't go for a long hike without having problems. It was devastating to me. Not only did I have to give up walking long distance, playing any kind of sports was now out of question.

So how did I get to where I am now, that I can walk on asphalt road from Akasaka to Hiroo (maybe 3 miles) without any problem, thoroughly enjoying the walk? Scientists say a human body renews each and every cells in the body completely in 9 years. Is that what happened? I discovered bicycling 5 years ago, and it was fantastic to be able to feel the heart beat so fast, to feel my lungs working so hard. Gradually I built up the bicycle ride distance, riding twice a week. And to do my body a favor, about 6 years ago, I started to do a stretching excercise 15 minutes a day. I have a good massage at least 3 times a week. Are these the reasons?

Whatever the reasons they are, everybody who took part in helping me get over the knee pain, thank you! Thank you! What joy, pure joy I have in life because I can walk the cities and outdoors all I want. It is amazing that I already forgot the pain. But the memory did comeback, giving me so much satisfaction, making me wonder about this world, about the body I have been given to live in.

Control

The power I feel each time I am able to do tedious matters so easily! I just completed the change of mobile phone usage plan via mobile phone internet. I first viewed my mobile phone company site pricing information via laptop, spent some time thinking of which plan would be the best for me, after failing to enter into my account via my laptop because I forgot my user ID, but I just connected to my mobile phone company site via my mobile phone, entered my password, selected the new plan, and that was it. From the beginning to the end, the process took me less than 20 minutes of my time, and out of that, 15 minutes was spent on making up my mind about the plan selection.

I feel the power, the control I have because I have been conditioned in the past that such change would take lots of physical efforts in Japan like going to the telephone company branch, waiting in line, taking care of the matter at the counter, then going home. This process used to take me at least 1.5 hours. I could have tried to do this via telephone, but then the company would send me a form to fill out and I would fill it out and send it back to them. This process would have taken at least 4 days.

Life is getting easier and easier, and we have more control of daily living because of technology. All started with Ben Franklin flying a kite in the storm, I guess.

But this morning, somehow I remembered that this is just an illusion. I start to think I have control, but in reality, I am pitifully powerless. Technology fails more often than I would like. Like mobile phone not connecting because of access problem. It happened earlier this week. Like subway train that stops in the middle of nowhere in a dark tunnel because point problem. It happened just yesterday. I was panicking, because with my tendency for claustrophobia, I just could not bare standing in semi-crowded train that did not move for a few minutes, no way to get out (unless I crawled out of the window which I had the urge to do). If someone decided to gas the subway train, like it happened a few years back even in Tokyo, I have no control.

It's good that I am feeling this way. Because in work, when I do my best yet things don't go quite the way I expect, I will be able to continue knowing that's life. Because when my three boys come home from school today, each with their joy and frustration from their day, I would not try to control, but just be there for them.

Sweeping me off my feet

If any man ever gazed into my eyes and said such thing to me, only to me, he would have found I was an easy catch.

Hawaii's the best place on Earth. I've been to 2/3 of E. Asia and to the West Coast of the US but none compare to the island(s) I call home. One day, if I ever meet her, I'd like to say that home is wherever you are. Utasha

Unfortunately, I'll never have such a thrill, since, well, I am now happily married.

Intimidation

What we say and what we do is are different things. For people who are reading this and who never met me, let me say that I have been told time and time again that I look and act absolutely confident. But I don't feel like that at all. Quite the contrary. All I remember about my reaction to people and things are that I am in awe of them, that I am intimidated by them. Dazzling resumes intimidate me. If I read an impressive resume before meeting him/her, I tend to back off. Unless I have to, I don't want to meet that person. It's probably an inferiority complex because in my own expectation, I have never finished anything significant.

I am wondering how you react to reading a dazzling resume, for instance on "About Me" page of a blog. Does impressive resume makes you want to get to know that person? Does it validate the contents of their writing?

I am finding that I can't help stop discriminating a person when I read the "About Me" page. Whatever their background is, I find myself reading that person's background into their writings.

How far can we step back?

I thought of this many times before. And I thought of this four days ago, under a beautiful spring sky. And again yesterday in the rain, and again this morning, looking at the next door neighbour's wall out of my apartment window.

The subject is, how far can we step back to view our own lives and everything in the universe? Like the Powers of 10 . I was thinking of Tanaquil Le Clerc. I have only seen her dance in black and white footage, but her dance is so incredible. The grace and nuances of each move seems to be expressed with all the fibers of her body, and it comes through even in an old film. I heard she died an untimely death after a bout with terminal illness, and through George Balanchine's biography, I learned she was his fifth wife. So very beautiful, so very talented, marrying to a celebrated ballet choriographer. She must practiced, worked on her art for most of her waking hours.

Was she happy? She must have been on moments she was practicing. But the jealousy her talent must have attracted. And to have to deal with situations when her husband was constantly being wooed by young and beautiful dancers. She must have been surrounded by admirers and fellow dancers. But who would have been her dear friend? When did she laugh, deep from her soul?

Stepping back from her existance, by second, minute, hour, day, years. Years and years. Viewed from the year 2004, she is only a faint memory, even to ballet enthusiasts. I look up Tanaquil Le Clerc through Google, and I only get 3 pages. I look up Grace O'Malley, and I get pages and pages. But one thousand years from now, and who will remember either one of them? A million years later, then what? If it is so with famous people, what would it be with me?

We fall in love, and we say it's forever. What is forever to humans? We feel glorous moments just a few times in our lives. We feel misery many, many times. Stepping back, what remains? I thought momentarily, nothing matters. All is in vain. We are just ashes, dust in the universe. But we do exist here and now, and gravity exists. And dust in the universe eventually becomes stars and planets. It doesn't matter how far we step back. It is this moment that I truly live. I will do what matters to me this moment. Which is write these thoughts in hope to help someone who might benefit from reading it, to spend time with my family, and friends, laugh, work with the people around me.

Italian friends

I enjoy reviewing my blog access status each day. My unseen friends are mostly those living in Japan, second in US, and third in Italy. Italy! I am fascinated that some people in Italy are reading my blog. I wonder if these people are Japanese living in Italy, or Italians interested in whatever I write about (workplace?). I have been to some countries, but never to Italy. I have always wanted to visit the land that produced people who influenced the world civilization so thoroughly. In my past, I was in love with Renaissance art, fascinated with Machiavelli, Dante, Galileo, marvelled at beauty of pasta, impressed with office furniture.

This might be a very good time for me to visit Italy.