I thought of this many times before. And I thought of this four days ago, under a beautiful spring sky. And again yesterday in the rain, and again this morning, looking at the next door neighbour's wall out of my apartment window.
The subject is, how far can we step back to view our own lives and everything in the universe? Like the Powers of 10 . I was thinking of Tanaquil Le Clerc. I have only seen her dance in black and white footage, but her dance is so incredible. The grace and nuances of each move seems to be expressed with all the fibers of her body, and it comes through even in an old film. I heard she died an untimely death after a bout with terminal illness, and through George Balanchine's biography, I learned she was his fifth wife. So very beautiful, so very talented, marrying to a celebrated ballet choriographer. She must practiced, worked on her art for most of her waking hours.
Was she happy? She must have been on moments she was practicing. But the jealousy her talent must have attracted. And to have to deal with situations when her husband was constantly being wooed by young and beautiful dancers. She must have been surrounded by admirers and fellow dancers. But who would have been her dear friend? When did she laugh, deep from her soul?
Stepping back from her existance, by second, minute, hour, day, years. Years and years. Viewed from the year 2004, she is only a faint memory, even to ballet enthusiasts. I look up Tanaquil Le Clerc through Google, and I only get 3 pages. I look up Grace O'Malley, and I get pages and pages. But one thousand years from now, and who will remember either one of them? A million years later, then what? If it is so with famous people, what would it be with me?
We fall in love, and we say it's forever. What is forever to humans? We feel glorous moments just a few times in our lives. We feel misery many, many times. Stepping back, what remains? I thought momentarily, nothing matters. All is in vain. We are just ashes, dust in the universe. But we do exist here and now, and gravity exists. And dust in the universe eventually becomes stars and planets. It doesn't matter how far we step back. It is this moment that I truly live. I will do what matters to me this moment. Which is write these thoughts in hope to help someone who might benefit from reading it, to spend time with my family, and friends, laugh, work with the people around me.