Yesterday started out great. I walked into Starbucks in Hiyoshi at 9:00 in the morning, and they were playing a salsa music I instantly liked. It was a start of a good day. Today started out great. I walked out of the door listening to iPod, and the first song that came on was one of the songs I downloaded yesterday, Stay by Eternal. Talk about instant love! My whole body tingled with pleasure as I listened to that song.
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This state of mind seem to have started a few days ago. One decisive comment by the interviewee during an interview I participated was, this place is compact, high density people compared to where you used to live. I replied, yes, I used to have for myself space as big as this entire apartment where six of us live now, and I did have a very difficult time adjusting. But when I got divorced in US, I just didn't have it in me to raise a child on my own there, so I just had a trade off. Safe environment to raise a child and have peace of mind against big space to live. I haven't thought about that for a while, and it feels so long ago that I made that decision. (It WAS long ago! 14 years.) Looking back, the decision really defined my choice in life. I wasn't sure at all if I will ever have a happy, stable family, but that's what I wanted more than anything else in my life.
I don't know either Nori or Mika too well. But they both help me remember my past and the path I have taken to come to where I am now. I met with Nori yesterday, and Mika today. When Nori opened up and told me of his background, I was really surprised, because he is the first person I met as an adult who has similar upbringing as me. That is, he was raised in his young years by a single mother who worked as a hostess in a bar. And his mother re-married to a violent man who beat him. (My step-father didn't beat me, but for many years, I was forced to sit near him until he drank himself to sleep on his lay-z-boy chair.) When I listened to his story, I understood why we came out "normal". Both our mothers adored us, they were both proud of us. Even these days, being a child of a single parent and especially of a mother who works as a hostess in a bar is not something the Japanese society approves. But his mother told him that he had nothing to be ashamed about, that he was just as good as anybody else, and he should be proud of himself. I remember my mother always so proud of me anywhere she went, always saying how wonderful I am. Both our mothers didn't apologize for who they were. They were doing the best they can, and by watching them, we learned to do the same, do the best we possibly can.
Mika is so, very, beautiful I love being near her, simply to watch her. She's 9 years my junior, but already an accomplished entrepreneur. She's smart and very strong. She has something about her besides her beauty that enchants both men and women alike. She reminds me a lot of my favorite aunt. My aunt also worked as a hostess in a bar. Mika used to, and she's been an owner of a bar for a while now. She's also studying to get certified as estetitician. She already has a certificate as herbalist. She asked me today, you are beautiful Fujiko-san. Why is it that you don't do more? I'm not certain what she really wanted to say, but I took it as that she was asking me why don't I do more to make myself look better. Our conversation turned, so I didn't get to think of the answer to her question, but it got me thinking.
I know I could look more femine, look beautiful if I tried. Then why don't I? It has a lot to do with my childhood. My aunt and my mother were both very feminine and beautiful. But I saw how they were dependent on men. It appeared to me that their lives were depenent on the men they chose. I also saw what kind of men feminine women attracted. Not all of those men were controlling or manupulating, but many were. I also saw that they expected women to be "weak". I just didn't want those kind of men to come near me. I didn't want to be so dependent. In my childhood, I vaguely remember being around less obviously feminine, active women who attracted different kind of men, men who appreciated spunk and activity in women. And the relationship that kind of couple somehow seemed sunny to me.
And so here was another choice. Not making the full use of god given physical gift, but by not polishing my appearance much, only associating with men who appreciate intellect and fun in a woman.
Why think so much about the past? Well, it's the only way I know how people change. And this time, questions triggered my thoughts. Go with the flow.
