Fujiko Suda / Reflection

Our existance

"A Chicken was an egg's way of making another egg."

Samuel Butler

Being a beginner in working independently

Is it because it's monsoon season? Because typhoon is coming? Change of air pressure. I've slept into the afternoon today. When I woke up, I was startled to find it was 14:00!

My body feels strangely light, my head a bit foggy. But inside, I feel so energetic, thinking up ideas that excites me even more. I'm still undeasy about not being busy all the time like I was when I was an organization person. Of course, it was just an illusion that I was busy all the time. My mind was numb most of the time, my body just taking up space in the office. But being there gave bothe the company and me satisfaction that I was doing what was required of me to collect the salary.

As I keep telling anybody who is willing to listen, change is easier when you have nothing to lose. It wasn't so hard for me, because my family was nomad. I moved on the average once a year in my life until I came back to Japan 13 years ago. The past 5 years at my current place is the longest I have ever lived at one place in my life. That's why becoming independent at age 44 wasn't such a big deal for me.

I wouldn't recommend anybody becoming a nomad just so that s/he would get used to change. But it seems like a reasonable practice to build in some kind of regular change into one's life. And learn to laugh at ourselves when we become so scared. Adventure is scary at times. But what's a life if it isn't an dventure?

Thoughts makes your life

Attending a client meeting at Steelcase, I saw the presentation film called "Revolution@Work" for maybe 50th time. But I haven't seen it for maybe nearly a year, and I was surprised by the fact that I was living its message now. When I first saw the video, I felt that it was the direction even Japan was going to take. I believed it, and it became true for me.

Now that I have been re-reading all the books that made impact on me over the past 10 years or so, I realize I am living everything I believed in those books. What James Allen says in As A Man Thinkth, I seem to be a living proof: A man cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely shape his circumstances. (Make the language gender all feminie, and there.) It is awsome and wonderful, to realize that the thoughts I am having now is going to become a reality in the future!

Dream

My girlfriend chided me as I talked about what I expect from men. Look, she said. If a man takes you out to dinner, or wants to have anything to do with you, their objective is to get laid. No exception. What, you thought there was more? No. That's just the way it is.

All day, her words popped in and out of my head. I can't believe I have been such a fool!

No, I don't believe their object is only to get laid. I want to share my dream with them, and I think they do.

Taking myself too seriously

I just laughed at myself this morning. How did I ended up taking myself so seriously again? It's one thing to strive, and another to expect result. I'm doing what I can.

First fireworks of this year

Omega 13 in Kohoku

　Somehow, I've thought of Omega 13 when I saw this.

Good Morning!

Birds are chirping. I've started to notice the light coming from outside of the window through slight opening in the curtain about 30 minutes ago.

I stayed up all night. It was great focusing on writing from about midnight for five hours. Just great! I should do this more often, even regularly if I feel like I am getting the kind of result that I long for. What's more important, more meaningful for me or what somebody say I ought to or not to do?

Good to live for real. Stop being afraid of catching cold or looking riduculous in someone else's eyes.

Enrich the life

My husband gave me iPod for my birthday. When he gave me MD walkman, all the music I've given up for nearly 10 years came back into my life. I couldn't believe how much better my life became, having those music I loved so.

And now, iPod. I just wish the music download the legal way was easier. I suppose if I checked out the web closer, there might be an easy way, the way that accepts download from Japan, that is. With iPod, I can carry all the music I love with me at all the time. Like today, as I was riding my bicycle, I wanted to listen to Sting, but remembered I left that particular MD at home. That won't happen again. I will have them all with me all the time.

It's so amazing! I'm so happy!

What to let go

Trying to figure out, just what to let go. Obviously, I can't drag around my past habits when I am ready to just go forward. I've been going forward pretty nicely. But finally, my 13 years back in Japan has become so much history, so much ties, that I am having a hard time feeling good about where I am going.

Just throw away the good things? Yes, if it comes to that. If that's needed to live the way life is supposed to be lived, meaning joyfully participating in the sadness of the world. Joyful is the key word. I've already taken action by leaving my salaried life. Good bye, security, hello, freedome with lot's of worries.

So what's next in line?