Fujiko Suda / Reflection

Given the power

I was in a funk, and I didn't know it. 

In the past week, we did several interviews for a research, and these people were Japanese, old couples, middle aged couples, young ladies and men.  It made me realize how untaught, untrained and undisciplined I am.  These people were balanced, strong sense of tie to their families.  Their values were so, very different from the ones that I learned and know.  I felt like I did not belong.

I felt so close to the name "Little Road Flower".  Lonely, no protection or security, at mercy of the nature's elements.  But it knows survival.  It knows to bloom when the time comes.  As the week progressed, sad feeling would not go away.

Today is my oldest son's birthday.  He would have been 21 years old if he was alive.  I was praying for him as I walked home tonight.  I was thinking of what happened 21 years ago today.  The sudden change in my world.  The world hadn't changed.  It was my situation that altered the world view completely.  The pain.....  Losing a child.  Gaining huge scar on my body that would be there for the rest of my life.....  Then a thought came into my head. It is the gift from my son.  How could I waste his gift? 

Maybe I am not so refined, or cultured, or disciplined.  Because my path happened to be a warrior's path.  My path has been giving me different kind of refinement, culture and discipline.  I have been given lessons in learning about strength and power in one's self.  It is gift from the above, and I was reminded of it on my son's birthday.

Dropping in after a year and a half

I just felt like I wasn't saying anything worthwhile.  I felt like I was wasting people's time.  So I stopped writing into this blog.  If you visited my Japanese Reflections blog and looked around for a bit, you would have noticed that I was writing into that again recently too.

There's this sense of urgency that I want to give away whatever the experience or knowledge I have accumulated over the years to those who might benefit from them.  Cultural understanding, especially of Japanese and Americans from the middle class society.  Business bi-lingual ability.  How to really communicate in English in different countries like US, UK, Netherland.  Office creation process in Japan.  Dealing with different cultures growing up.  Child birth experience.  Making the most out of change that comes one's way.

Someone said, when you die, only thing you take with you is what you leave behind.

What I learned in Taos, New Mexico, from a Poet, Soge, is that we live to grow, learn and heal.  I've known about growing and learning, but healing was something I have not thought about.  I think I heal through giving.  Something else she said that felt like rain on parched garden.  Soge talked about teaching the grandchildren.

The grandchildren!  I was beating myself up because the best I did for my kids didn't turn out so good.  But when I thought of having a chance to do the different kind of the "best", it just felt so wonderful.

Being reminded of what is important

Whew, lots of things have been occupying my mind and time from November last year and now.  Looks like this situation will continue on at least until May.  Mixture of work, family and friends. 

Yesterday's time with a dear friend who moved from Tokyo to Taiwan last year was great!  He asked me, "So how old do the kids have to be in order for you to not be thinking about them so much?".  I immediately answered, "Never!  I will always be thinking of them."  This thought was never defined within me.  The thought immediately turned into clear string of words, because the question turned out to be a framework to express what I subconsciously felt.

It's like reading Ursula LeGuin's Earthsea series gave me the opportunity to remember what my life has been about, what the journey mean to me.  It has been all about trying to live a wholesome life.  About becoming whole.  We all have different starts and turns and twists along the road, and the choices we make at each turns and twists, forks on the road help us define who we are, what we subconsciously feel. 

Indulgent Saturday Afternoon

New horizon

Modal Soul by Nujabes

We were talking about what music means to our lives.  To me, it is an everyday luxury.  Walking outside, music, reading are luxury to me, because there were times in my life that I could not have them.  Taking a long walk was denied when I was 17 for about a year when I had a back surgery.  Then again for months at a time when I was pregnant.  Music was really never denied, but I have this thing about falling in love with some songs.  Not having them in my life is definitely sad.  Maybe music is drug.  Reading was not completely denied, but because I lived in English speaking countries without being able to read English at age 13 for about half a year until I learned how to read, it was miserable.

Walking around outside, music and reading are all source of discovery to me.  Walking around and reading  always give me new horizon.  Music gives me discovery of feelings.  Amazing how some songs can make me happy in a flash.  And so it does with Light on the land in Modal Soul.  The unforgettable smile.  Shimmering sunshine through leaves of a tree.  Soft moonlight in Paris.  Summer breeze on the Seaside beach.  And so it does with Flowers. 

I've been so shaken up after reading Ursula LeGuin's tales of Earthsea.  Went through the series of 5 books in two weeks, while working like crazy on projects.  I see myself in just about all of LeGuin's women, especially Tenar.  And I saw the glimps of what is to come in my life.  When completing the circle of life, we go back to where we came from.  Where do I go back? 

Reading the message by Nujabes on Modal Soul , I realize he is feeling the same way as LeGuin about this earth.  We are changing our dear friend, the earth.  And he is asking the same question.  While living our lives with the blessings we take for granted, what must we do to take care of our dear friend?   And taking care of our firend needs taking care of our inside.  Our soul.

Everything about life explained in 5 lines

Only in silence the word,

only dark the light,

only in dying life:

bright the hawk's flight

on the empty sky.

Ursula K. Le Guin, A Wizard of Earthsea

Heart in a cup of cappuccino

Happiness is finding a heart in a cup of take out cappuccino.  It makes me smile.  It makes me feel good.  It soften the edge of an exhausting work day.

Lady in Kimono in view while having hot chocolate

Stopped by FOB Coop, the cafe in Hiroo that serves wonderful hot chocolate.  Catching my breath in between meetings, to contemplate on work priorities for the day.  I have similar photograph shown previously in one of my blogs, except this time, I thought the picture with back view of a lady in Kimono is rather nice.  She was having ice cream.

Prepared for the battle

There is a holiday called "Physical Fitness" day in Japan.  Traditionally, kindergarten to high school, mini Olympic-like field day event was held in October.  Over the recent years, more schools have this event in May.  My kids' public elementary school holds this field day in mid September.   

Japanese society was swinging in the direction of non-competitiveness, group harmony over the past twenty years, but I started to notice the pendulum swinging back towards competitiveness recently. 

The program of the field day seem to reflect this.  This year's "kiba-sen" (concept of horse mounted knights battle)  was separated into two battles, one was one army against another, the other was one-on-one.  The spectators were watching intently as one team fought against another.  In Japanese society, people frown on showing fierceness.  But with "kiba-sen", we see the fight to win in pure form.  I was watching the entire battle, all caught up in fascination and excitement, forgetting even to take pictures.  So here's the pre-battle waiting and post-battle winner announcement scenes only.  White caps beat the red caps.

Full moon

Last night was full moon.